Friendship Divorce

I was reading a post this morning about things we learn in our 20s, lessons and wisdom, etc. It got me thinking about friendship and forgiveness. How long do we keep trying?


Let me explain a little better. When I was in college, I had an intense friendship with someone with whom I no longer have contact (by choice). We met through a mutual friend, and instantly became close, namely because we shared the interest of going to hipster bars and people watching. We loved cosmetics, clothes, and talking smack. As I look back on it, that was an incredibly shallow time of my life, but I did learn more about my physical appearance and how I wanted to present myself. I also admired her sense of humor. She was a fan of the ridiculous, and the two of us were a comedy team of sorts. Again, I feel that much of my comedic timing and abilities came from this friendship.

There were so many good times and memories involving this friend, but there was also a lot of drama. This friend, despite all of her great qualities, was often derogatory, seeming to get a high off of others’ suffering or misfortunes. She often seemed to create drama. Soon enough, I realized that I was becoming the target of her barbs, and that felt lousy. I won’t go into any more detail about the particulars of the abuse, but I decided after over a year of passive aggressive bullying, that I was better than this, and that I deserved more from a person with whom I chose to spend time.

And so I ended the friendship. It had run its course, and then some. I truly believe that we each had gotten everything we possibly could from one another. We went from best friends to basically bringing out the worst in each other. It hurt. It was tough to get through, particularly when my friend wanted to continue being friends, but I knew from past experience that it would only end the same, and draw out the inevitable.

So I cut things clean. I have not spoken to her in over 10 years now, and although I do miss her, I know that a relationship is simply not possible.

This case was very black and white, at least for me. It hurt, sure, but I saw it as ripping off a Band-Aid. Rather than waiting around to see how bad it could get, I decided to just cut things off. It may sound like this was a rash decision, but it was really a long time coming, spanning over 6-8 months of extremely abusive behavior towards me.

I guess my question is: how much should we take? Yes, I know that I’ve hurt my friends terribly before, and I am lucky that most of them have forgiven me (some have not, and let me say again, I am sorry). However, when is it better to end a friendship? Is it when the toll of the friendship outweighs the benefits?

What I’m looking forward to this weekend….

1. Happy hour at one of our favorite places on Friday afternoon (Café Chloe or El Dorado, most likely…still working out that detail. San Diego just has too many great happy hours!)


2. Heading to LA for some food, folks, and fun!

3. Making Boston Cream Pie cupcakes!!

4. Giving S his birthday presents! (Yeah, his birthday is on May 21…let’s hope that the world doesn’t end!)

5. Hanging out with an old friend who is visiting from Baltimore.

10 things that I’d miss about San Diego

(if I were to move back to Maryland)

Reading David Lebovitz’s blog, I came across an entry about things that he would miss if he were to leave Paris. Now, I know that San Diego doesn’t really compare, but I thought that I’d compile a list of things that I would miss. Of course, his list considers cultural differences and such, but I just thought it would be a fun thing to list what I would miss.

1. Good, inexpensive wine. Seriously, the state of California is the 4th largest producer of wine in the world, following such giants as Italy, France, and Spain. Wine is plentiful here, and the ability to find good, cheap wine so easily is something that I’d miss.

2. Fresh rosemary. Rosemary is one of the best herbs to use fresh, not dried. It’s completely different when dried – prickly, and pretty dangerous to eat. Rosemary seems to thrive in arid climates, and is available wild, everywhere, in Southern California.

3. Sushi – I have to say, being right on the Pacific Ocean makes for some great sushi. Not Japan-good, but pretty good.

4. Dry heat – So much easier to cope with than humid, sticky heat back East.

5. Good grocery stores – There are so many wonderful grocery stores out here. Big, clean, and containing ingredients that are hard to find in many other cities. Plenty of organic markets and Asian specialty stores, which I adore.

6. Ease of finding my car in a crowded parking lot. Just look past the Porsche, monster trucks, and line of Lexuses, and there’s my humble little Matrix. Easy peasy.

7. Never having to deal with weather. Sure, I miss snow and rain, and the gardens on the East Coast can’t be beat, but it is nice that weather is usually not a factor in planning outings. Halloween in shorts is awesome!

8. Disneyland and the SD Zoo. I know that Disney is corporate evil, but I feel like a kid when I hear that opening park music. And man, I heart that zoo, even though I'm kind of anti-zoo. It confuses me as well.

9. Avocados, citrus fruits, and strawberries – So fresh, and the season is so long out here! Can you believe how much of this list is about food?

10. San Diego ComicCon – Sure, I could still go if I moved away, but I’m not much of one for travel for an event. So it’s sure nice to be able to drive up the street and hit up the best comic convention in the US.

And there you have it folks. Believe me, I could compile a list of things that drive me crazy about SD, but I prefer to focus on positives. I could also compile a list of things that I miss about the East Coast, as well as things that drove me batty there (um…crime, severe weather?). I'm not looking to move back anytime soon, but I do miss the East Coast and my amazing friends.

Total eclipse

Today there was an eclipse, which was apparently only visible if you were on a Pacific Island or at sea somewhere off the West Coast. I was disappointed that I did not see it, but kind of happy to know that it occurred.

I remembered in second grade, when my teacher told me about the eclipse that was to occur the next day, and how it would become completely dark in the middle of the day. Our class excitedly asked her if we could watch it, but of course, we couldn't. We did have the windows open so that we could see that it was dark outside. To my seven-year-old brain, it was delightful.

I'm writing this down to remember. It made me happy to remember something from my childhood, and to feel that excitement once again. To remember that despite everything that may have gone wrong or has been painful, it's been a good life.

Rejection

I'm having anxiety dreams lately about auditions where I'm not only not given a part in the play, but wherein the director also makes rude, Simon Cowell-like cracks about me wasting his time with my horrible voice and presence.

I've been putting myself on a chopping block lately, and it's frightening. I started a new blog. I feel a little nervous in revealing that I'm hoping to get a following.  I'm also kicking around the idea of doing a restaurant review blog.  On top of these doings, I'm working on  screenplay, which I have been distracted from by a short story that's coming about. My mind is busting with ideas, and I'm trying my best to keep up with all of them.

And then, I keep having these worries. I don't think about it much during the day, I just keep plugging away and doing one thing at a time. I'm aware of it, but I trick myself into ignoring it.

But dreams of rejection, of never getting to be one of the crowd -- I guess my music career (the first half of my life, literally -- I'm 34), was a mixed bag. I spent equal amounts of experience being told that I was the best singer and conversely, just so-so when it came to a real competition. And I know that those things are all kind of dependent on who you know, etc., but still... I guess if I'd really wanted to sing professionally, I would have done it. I guess I'm having stress that I'll never be one of the cool kids with writing either.